Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You don't make any sense
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