Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
