Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
