I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
