Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
