everyone is single if you try hard enough
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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