nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
