the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
