I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Randomize
