I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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