It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
