Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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