I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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