Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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