I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
