It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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