Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
NoShamevember. You game?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
