This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
