and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
