When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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