I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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