I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
