I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
