so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
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