Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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