The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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