umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
