i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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