the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
