That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
