you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
