Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
