i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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