I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize