I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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