totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
