I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
