take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
