Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
