i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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