I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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