Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
