I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
