So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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