Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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