If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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