He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
People in love make me want to vomit
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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