she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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