if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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