i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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