Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
