The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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