i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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