so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
