I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
