i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
