I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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