Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
