drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
