you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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