If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
